I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want my New Year’s resolution to be this year.  Definitely not weight loss – there is no way I’m setting myself up for that let down again.  Nope.  I wanted to choose something that I could actually stick to this year. I was riding around in my car a few weeks ago and my favorite Christmas song came on – “Mary, Did You Know?”.  I LOVE Christmas songs, but when this one comes on, my world stops.  But something about listening to it that day really got me thinking.  Man………there is no way she could have prepared herself.

Mary was just a teenager when God chose her as Jesus’s mother.  Imagine having an angel come to you and tell you that you were going to become pregnant and give birth to the Son of God. I cannot imagine this – I am not even emotionally stable enough for that!  But Mary was. After she ironed out how this was going to go down with her being a virgin and all, she simply responded “I am the Lord’s servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled.” That was it. No arguing. No questioning God.  Mary just accepted that her life was about to drastically change its course and she went with it.  How did she do that?  One word – faith.

Mary had complete faith that God would take care of her. He even sent an angel to Joseph so Mary wouldn’t have to have an awkward conversation with him. He paved the way for her!  Mary simply trusted that He would take care of her and guide her.  I question every decision I make when parenting my children. But God trusted Mary to parent,love, and protect His son.  Whew honey……….that is some serious pressure!  I had to start off proving that I could keep houseplants and small animals alive before anyone would trust me with a baby in my mid 20’s.  God trusted Mary and she was just a teenager.  She must have truly been amazing!  You can’t tell me that every day was easy for her. There must have been times when the doubts set in, but at the end of the day, Mary had faith in God’s word.  She believed that He would guide her and take care of her family.  She put her faith in Him and she raised our Savior. 

I have to think that when Mary cradled her little baby in that manger, that she knew He was going to be amazingly special.  But could she wrap her head around JUST how amazing He would be?  Could she imagine that He would one day heal the sick, give sight to the blind, feed the masses with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, walk on water, and even call Lazarus from the dead?  Could she prepare herself for that baby to save the world?  No. She simply trusted God, faithfully did what was asked of her, and watched the miracles unfold. 

This train of thought brought me to realize that if the Virgin Mary could trust God enough to become the mother of Jesus, I could probably start trusting Him with my problems.  I bring my problems to God. I ask him to take care of them and I leave them with him.  Then I start to worry that maybe God didn’t hear me or maybe there was some confusion as to how I want the situation to work out, so I pick my problems back up again. Now let me tell you – no one can stress about things as good as I can.  I’ll worry myself into indigestion, constipation, and even acne that leaves teenagers in awe.  But not this year.  Nope. This year I am going to lay my burdens at the feet of God and I am going to leave them there. I will resist the urge to pick them back up!  I am going to trust him to solve my problems in His time and in His way – even when it is not my way.  I am going to trust that He knows the longings of my heart and will guide my path to places I cannot begin to imagine. 

This year’s resolution is to stress less, pray more, and have faith like Mary.  Fingers crossed that I do better with this than I did with weight loss!  Happy 2021 friends!

Much Love – Nikki

I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day and saw this.  I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever read anything more true.  April made 8 years since I lost my dad, and it still feels like it happened yesterday.  It just seems unbelievable that he’s gone.  Any day I expect to wake up from this crazy dream and find him sitting on his little stool in his shop piddling with a lawn mower.  But no…..that’s not going to happen.  I just have to learn how to accept this.

My dad was my person.  He just got me.  Never once in 28 years did I have to explain myself to him.  It was like he had some sort of telepathic ability to see what was going on in my head.  And he just accepted it.  He accepted me.  The good, the bad, and the slightly psychotic.  No matter how many times I dropped the ball in my younger years, he just knew that I was going to turn out okay.  He had an amazing amount of faith in me.

When he was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma, we knew there was no cure.  He was Stage 4, so the treatments were to prolong his life, not to cure him.  The treatments didn’t really work and it all went downhill quickly.  I remember the day my mom called me at work and let me know she had called an ambulance because he was breathing but unresponsive.  He was transported to the ER, admitted to the hospital, then transferred to a rehab facility, but he never came home again.  For months I would visit him each day on my lunch break and watch him slip away.  It was the most agonizing time of my life.

As days passed, I watched him loose the ability to do things for himself.  I was so angry that such a strong and wonderful man, had to ask for help to go to the bathroom or even switch positions in the bed.  Towards the end, the sickness and the dependency on others got to him as well.  The man that had always been patient and kind, became short with his answers and silent most of the time.  It was as if the joy and laughter were sucked right out of our lives.

On April 14, 2011, he was at the hospital after having a feeding tube put in. I went to have lunch with him, and his condition had vastly improved.  He was talkative and had color back in his face.  We visited for a while, and when I went to leave he told me he loved me twice and blew me a kiss.  He died early that next morning.  My mom called from the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell me to come and say goodbye.  We held his hands as he finally slipped away from us.

In the days that followed, I remember being in sheer awe that my world didn’t implode upon itself.  That the walls just didn’t cave in.  It just didn’t make sense to me, that when the man who had been my glue and had held my world together for so long was no longer there, that said world would keep turning.  How incredibly insensitive of life and the people in it, to just keep going!  But it did keep going, even though I was clearly in the middle of a meltdown and falling to pieces.  So rude.

There are 7 stages of grief, but let me tell you – I took advantage of the anger stage.  I wallowed around in that stage.  I unpacked my tent and lived in that stage….for months.  I wasn’t mad that he was gone – I had prepared myself for his inevitable death.  I was angry at the manner in which he died.  During his early morning feeding through the tube, he vomited.  He was too weak to get it up and out, so he breathed it in and aspirated.  My favorite person drowned in his own vomit.  The word angry doesn’t even begin to cover the feelings I had.  I was angry at God.  I was angry because the most wonderful person I knew had drowned in his own vomit, and I truly felt that he deserved a better death than that.  He deserved to go peacefully in his sleep. I was so angry at God that I just quit speaking to Him.

Do you think God was shocked by my behavior? No.  Disappointed…..yes.  But God knows my heart, and He knew I was hurting.  Our Heavenly Father knows His children.  He wanted me to lean on Him and His understanding in my time of need, but I turned my back and continued to be angry.  This is why you need to pray for your friends – in good times and in bad.  Because I had friends and a Mom, who even though she was hurting, leaned on God and prayed for me each and every day.  They prayed me out of the darkness.

One night, I had horrible dreams all night long.  Each time I closed my eyes, I had a dream in which my dad died.  Each time, he died a different way.  Early the next morning, I reflected on those dreams and had a moment of clarity.  See, we are only promised a certain number of minutes on Earth.  You only get so many breaths to take. His minutes were simply up, and he had taken his very last allotted breath.  It would not have mattered what he had been doing – it was his time to go.  Had he been driving down the road, piddling in his shop, or being fed through a feeding tube in the hospital – it was his time to go home.   Once this became clear to me, I stopped being angry at God.  I leaned on Him, and He held my hand and led me out of the anger stage.

Today is Father’s Day. If you are reading this and you have lost your dad – I see you.  My heart goes out to you and I understand what you are going through.  You probably feel like you have lost your way and a little unsecure, since your safety net is no longer there.  I am sorry.  I have been there and it sucks.  Be still and lean on your Heavenly Father at this time.  Ask your friends and family to pray for you and to stand in the gap for you, when you lose your way and become tired.

If you are reading this and you still have a dad that loves you and makes you feel like you are the best thing on the face of the planet – go hug him. Hug him tight and let him know how you feel.  Because we only get so many minutes to do these things.  Only God knows how many breaths we will get to take here on Earth, so make sure you are making the most of them.  When I lay my head down on my pillow each night, the one thing I am certain of, is that my dad knew how much I loved him and how much I adored him.  I never missed an opportunity to tell him, but what I wouldn’t give to be able to tell him one more time.

Much Love – Nikki

 

 

 

I have read two stories in the news lately about women who have just obviously had enough.  The first one was a few months ago, when an 81-year-old woman in Florida was arrested while sitting topless on a park bench, drinking wine straight from the box.  When the officers tried to arrest her, she tried to squirt them with the wine.  This woman was done.  D-O-N-E….done.  She just wanted to sit on her park bench that morning and enjoy her wine.  Then a few mornings ago in Texas, a woman was banned from her local Wal-Mart for a small infraction.  This woman used an electric cart and rode around the Wal-Mart parking lot for three hours, while drinking wine out of a Pringles container.  The store called the police and they tracked the woman down at a local restaurant and told her that she was banned from that store.  Wow…….okay.  Can you imagine being that poor woman?  After three hours of roaming the parking lot, her Pringles can became too soggy to drink out of, so she went to get herself some breakfast.  Then had to pause her pancake enjoyment to deal with the police.  Totally unacceptable.

Sure, I’m poking fun of the entire situation, but don’t people ever wonder what led up to these crazy moments for these women?  Now, I’m not sure about the Texan, but the 81-year-old in Florida had no prior criminal history and by all accounts led a nice, neat little life.  I’ll tell you what happened – they had enough.  If you sit back and think about it, hasn’t it all gotten to be a little bit too much?  Women wear a bazillion different hats, and I for one have just had enough.  We are expected to be great moms and wives, chefs, maids, event planners, taxi drivers, cheerleaders for all of our offspring’s extracurricular activities, a shoulder to cry on, community volunteers, fitness gurus, and exceptional employees at our day jobs.  Hell…..a couple of nights a week I even have to be a porn star.  Not to mention, we have to perform all of these tasks while looking fabulous! Trendy clothes, great hair, manicured nails, and don’t forget – you probably need to be in shape.  Yeah………I’m so over it.

When my oldest son was in elementary school, I thought I had to be perfect.  I worked all day, cooked every night, kept a clean house, and even made homemade cupcakes each time his class had a party.  I would spend hours making these cupcakes from scratch that looked like reindeer, Frankenstein, turkeys, and even spider webs.  Why?  Because I thought that is what I was supposed to do.  It took me years to realize that those children just wanted sugar.  They didn’t care one bit that those cupcakes were fancy.  They licked the icing off and mangled the cake as soon as they got their tiny hands on them.  I didn’t need to come home and cook a gourmet meal or keep the house perfect to make my family happy.  They wanted time with me.  They overlooked a little clutter and gladly ate pizza if it meant I had time to devote to them.

Society holds women to impossible standards, and you see women running around trying to be perfect and keep it all together every day.  These are the same women that we also see who are riddled with stress and anxiety, who are taking care of everyone but themselves, who are losing sleep, and whose relationships with their spouses and friends are suffering because they simply are overloaded.  Does this sound familiar to you?  When was the last time you had lunch with your girlfriends?  Have you gone on a date with your husband lately?  When was the last time you took a shower and didn’t rush through it or put off shaving your legs for another day?   If you can’t remember when the last time you did these things was, it is time to slow down!  Take a step back and reevaluate your life.

Your babies will only be babies for a blink of an eye.  Slow down and play with them. They don’t want a perfect mom – they want YOU!  They want a mom who is present and can take the time to listen to their stories and play with them.  I will bet you good money that your husband would much rather have a happy wife that he can take to dinner and a movie, rather than a stressed out woman with perfect hair and nails that he rarely sees. It is okay to sometimes put your happiness and sanity above everything else in your life.  It’s hard – it really is.  But do it!  Buy the store-bought cupcakes, leave work at a decent time and go home to your family, order the pizza, and learn to say no to things that don’t bring you happiness and joy.  You’ll be making time for the things in life that really matter, and you may even find time to work on that porn star gig with your hubby.

Remember to lighten up on yourself and other women out there.  We are all just doing the best we can.  But if you happen to see me rolling around the Wal-Mart parking lot, drinking wine out of a Pringles can………mind ya business.

I’m an okay mom.  I used to think that I was a good mom and would give myself props for my parenting skills, but then my oldest son turned 10, and now I honestly have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.  My largest boy can be difficult, to say the least.  He is so stubborn and head strong.  Sometimes in the midst of disciplining him, I have this overwhelming urge to open a window and jump out of it.  Thankfully, we live in a one-story home.

I was trying to get ready for work one morning last week, and the boys decided to test my patience.  The most repeated phrase in my house is “don’t hit your brother”.  I say this so many times a day, that I honestly sound like a broken record.  After having repeated this several times, I stepped into the living room just in time to see the largest boy throw the smallest boy.  Thank goodness for the couch that softened his landing, but never in a million years did I ever think I would have to utter the words “don’t throw your brother”.  I mean, I thought most people were just born knowing that throwing another human being isn’t good form.  Yet, there we were.  The largest boy fuming on the loveseat, and the smallest one wailing on the couch.  It was at that moment, that something in my brain snapped and I found myself crawling onto the loveseat and sitting on my almost 11-year-old.  That’s right – just sitting in his lap and staring him down.

He immediately started freaking out and asking me what I was doing.  I told him that I wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible so that he could look me in my eyes and visually see me unraveling.  I explained to him that I was two seconds away from losing my religion with him, and that I didn’t have time to rededicate my life to Christ that morning.  He stared at me with these wide eyes and after several moments , he asked me when I was going to stop sitting on him.  I replied that I would move when he either decided to behave or when the police showed up.  Can you imagine the look on that poor cop’s face when he asks “Ma’am, what are you doing?”, and I respond that I don’t have a clue?

“Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing here, Officer.  I’m sitting here simultaneously waiting for a sign or a moment of clarity from Jesus, and making sure this little booger doesn’t escape while we wait.  But if you have any parenting advice, please feel free to jump in here.”

I eventually moved, and either due to fear of his mother having a mental breakdown or Divine Intervention, he has behaved since then.  Well….he hasn’t thrown his brother again at least.  His sweet side has shown through more than once as he’s helped me around the house, played cars with his little brother, or text me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me.  Those bright moments let me know that I am doing something right at some point in time, and it is getting through to him.  It gives me hope that when we get through puberty and the teenage years, that he will be a decent person who doesn’t live his life like he’s a bouncer in “Roadhouse”.

This lapse in judgment or parenting mishap, whatever you want to call it, got me to thinking though.  It’s fine to be an okay mom and to admit it.  We are all trying our best, but parenting is really hard at times.  Some days you are going to kill this whole parenting thing.  You’ll put your kids to bed, and feel as though you should do a mic drop or high-five yourself.  Most days though, you’ll want to dig in the back of the fridge until you find that half-empty bottle of wine and just celebrate the fact that the kids are still breathing and that you are an okay mom.  This is fine.  If we are honest with each other, we are all just muddling our way through parenthood and some days, even our best efforts fall short.  Just keep giving it your best.  Giving those babies your BEST effort.  It’ll all work out and they will turn out okay.  Don’t be so hard on yourself – just be the okayest mom you can be.

 

Love is messy…..just think about it.  There really is no way around it.  All those emotions swimming around – sometimes they just make a mess.  So, if we are being real, marriage can be messy at times.  It is by default.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage lately.  Tomorrow we get the pleasure of celebrating our 15 year anniversary.  As I took the time to look back over the past 15 years, it occurred to me just how messy a marriage could be.

I’ll be the first to admit that the past three years of my marriage haven’t been that great.  I’d like to say that it was all him, but no, I played my part.  I got my feelings hurt, and instead of just working through it with him, I shut him out.  I had become really awesome at finding fault in everything he did.  He forgot to put the trash on the street…..great…..one more thing to add to my to-do list.  He left his dirty dishes in the sink.  He spent too much money.  I didn’t agree with how he decided to parent our boys. The list goes on.  Just FYI – it is really easy to shut your mate out and not have anything to say to him when you are picking him apart and getting irritated at his mere breathing.

Then I had a light bulb moment.  I was sitting on the couch one night telling him about something we needed to go do, and his response was less than enthusiastic.  Let me tell you – I got my panties in a twist.  I mean, how dare he not be excited about doing something with me?!?  As I sat there and fumed, a little voice in my head whispered “Do you blame him?  Your attitude is sooooo stellar lately.”  Ugh…..hush tiny voice!  I don’t want to hear your sarcastic, yet rational opinions.  It didn’t stop whispering though.  Nope.  It kept at it until I caved.  So, after everyone went to bed that night I found myself quietly praying for God to change my attitude towards my husband, and to help me see the good things he does.  I told God that if he intended for me to stay in this marriage, to make it evident to me that this is where I needed to be.

It didn’t take long for me to start seeing all of the things I had been missing.  How he had tried to start helping out with the laundry, and picking up the mounds of toys the toddler leaves in the living room every night.  I had to have surgery, and he took off from work to take care of me, and did a pretty amazing job.  When I had Girls Night and may or may not have stayed out too late, he was kind enough to keep the boys quiet so I could sleep in the next morning. I’m not going to lie – this one earned him TONS of bonus points.  I also saw very clearly all of the times he had tried to reach out to me, and I hadn’t been paying attention.  When I focused my attention back on my husband, I remembered how he can make me laugh and that he knows me better than anyone.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that everything is perfect. It never will be.  Love is messy and hard.  He still drives me crazy on a regular basis.  Seriously – if he leaves his underwear in the bathroom floor one more time, I will cut him.  Cut.  Him.  I am fairly certain that I drive him batty at least a couple of times a week, but that’s okay.  See, I’ve learned that marriage is the commitment to love your partner, even if you don’t like them at the moment.  I’ve learned that at times marriage can be messy and hurtful, but in the grand scheme of things, there are so many more happy moments to focus on.  I’ve learned that love can also be amazingly beautiful.  Beautifully Messy.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton