An Okay Mom

I’m an okay mom.  I used to think that I was a good mom and would give myself props for my parenting skills, but then my oldest son turned 10, and now I honestly have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.  My largest boy can be difficult, to say the least.  He is so stubborn and head strong.  Sometimes in the midst of disciplining him, I have this overwhelming urge to open a window and jump out of it.  Thankfully, we live in a one-story home.

I was trying to get ready for work one morning last week, and the boys decided to test my patience.  The most repeated phrase in my house is “don’t hit your brother”.  I say this so many times a day, that I honestly sound like a broken record.  After having repeated this several times, I stepped into the living room just in time to see the largest boy throw the smallest boy.  Thank goodness for the couch that softened his landing, but never in a million years did I ever think I would have to utter the words “don’t throw your brother”.  I mean, I thought most people were just born knowing that throwing another human being isn’t good form.  Yet, there we were.  The largest boy fuming on the loveseat, and the smallest one wailing on the couch.  It was at that moment, that something in my brain snapped and I found myself crawling onto the loveseat and sitting on my almost 11-year-old.  That’s right – just sitting in his lap and staring him down.

He immediately started freaking out and asking me what I was doing.  I told him that I wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible so that he could look me in my eyes and visually see me unraveling.  I explained to him that I was two seconds away from losing my religion with him, and that I didn’t have time to rededicate my life to Christ that morning.  He stared at me with these wide eyes and after several moments , he asked me when I was going to stop sitting on him.  I replied that I would move when he either decided to behave or when the police showed up.  Can you imagine the look on that poor cop’s face when he asks “Ma’am, what are you doing?”, and I respond that I don’t have a clue?

“Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing here, Officer.  I’m sitting here simultaneously waiting for a sign or a moment of clarity from Jesus, and making sure this little booger doesn’t escape while we wait.  But if you have any parenting advice, please feel free to jump in here.”

I eventually moved, and either due to fear of his mother having a mental breakdown or Divine Intervention, he has behaved since then.  Well….he hasn’t thrown his brother again at least.  His sweet side has shown through more than once as he’s helped me around the house, played cars with his little brother, or text me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me.  Those bright moments let me know that I am doing something right at some point in time, and it is getting through to him.  It gives me hope that when we get through puberty and the teenage years, that he will be a decent person who doesn’t live his life like he’s a bouncer in “Roadhouse”.

This lapse in judgment or parenting mishap, whatever you want to call it, got me to thinking though.  It’s fine to be an okay mom and to admit it.  We are all trying our best, but parenting is really hard at times.  Some days you are going to kill this whole parenting thing.  You’ll put your kids to bed, and feel as though you should do a mic drop or high-five yourself.  Most days though, you’ll want to dig in the back of the fridge until you find that half-empty bottle of wine and just celebrate the fact that the kids are still breathing and that you are an okay mom.  This is fine.  If we are honest with each other, we are all just muddling our way through parenthood and some days, even our best efforts fall short.  Just keep giving it your best.  Giving those babies your BEST effort.  It’ll all work out and they will turn out okay.  Don’t be so hard on yourself – just be the okayest mom you can be.